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Politik Interpersonal II June 5, 2007

Posted by psimitar in abilene, drama.
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Ok, I’m back with another one.

Everything came to a head after my friends got back from the Halo competition [they got slaughtered, btw]. I accepted a late-night sit-down invitation with the intention of airing my grievances after a few hours of thought and introspection. Instead it quickly escalated into a disproportionate display of anger not on my part, but definitely had to do with me and the situation everyone is a part of. Again, there are elements in play about my life for the last 1.5 years that have made me who I am today and my room mates and I have not been in constant contact during this period. So of course there are going to be conflicts between us in this sudden and dramatic lifestyle change.

Suffice it to say that nothing was resolved last night and I spent some time afterwards considering a major rethink to current plans. I absolutely made the decision to look at everything in a professional, business-like manner; only with that detachment could I approach things objectively, a feat I was becoming increasingly unfamiliar with since the move.

A second talk about twenty hours later after my first day at work [which really wasn’t all that bad thanks to a lot of diversionary but informative training DVDs] went much better. The talk, consisting about an hour, re-established some connections I thought had been severed for good and a resolve was made to make it a point to not let issues escalate to the point of the previous night.

Still, it’s a slippery slope I’m scaling. I know I’ve got a tenuous sense of emotional intelligence right now and am prone to doing and saying things impulsively and defensively, which was a primary concern expressed in the last talk. Now I know that certain bits of information kept on their part and vice versa was the major source of tension between us and now that we’re a little more honest with each other, I can use that information to adjust my behavior and ultimately understand just what the hell is going on around here.

No more unpleasant surprises, please!

Politik Interpersonal June 4, 2007

Posted by psimitar in abilene, drama.
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Ok, living with people again means interpersonal politics come into play daily. I can deal, but I’m in need of a refresher course.

First thing’s first, just in case I ever share this blog with my friends (because that’s half the point of blogging anyway,) I’m not bashing.

Small tiffs and major attitude are such a waste of time for me, yet I indulge often. I’m really trying my best to not get burned out on my new surroundings by taking some time for myself and separating from my room mates by designing in my room and various side projects that have nothing to do with their day-to-days. This afternoon was supposed to be for a Halo competition down at ACUs campus center but I took too long to get ready and ran headlong into a non-verbal cue that is going in my book of pet peeves: they were waiting in the car with the engines running while I was in the bathroom.

What’s the big deal? Depends on how you look at it.

Unlike anything I would do and completely benign, this set off a few alarms that made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I confronted them on it after being informed I should have asked for a few minutes if I wasn’t ready (hello, I put my socks and shoes on in the car, damage done!) and for letting them know I was feeling rushed I get the biggest news of my life: I’m responsible for my own feelings of being rushed regardless of the actions of others. That reasoning did me in for the evening, I asked to be taken home after realizing my words caused so much tumult. There was no way I was feeling the camaraderie tonight.

I always use the tried and true differential approach to assess intent and motivation for other’s actions and it often gets me in trouble: I always ask myself what I would do if placed in the other’s situation. In this situation, based on my own reasoning and processing, I would’ve simply waited patiently until the other finishes their preparations for departure. If I begin to feel as though there’s a problem, I’d ask and make sure the other can be ready soon. Only after every option has been exhausted, then resort to non-verbals like sitting in the car. I just think it’s rude, unthoughtful and a little pushy especially if it’s done during a leisure activity (of course I can see the effectiveness of doing such as a simple, albeit annoying way of saving time when on a hard schedule.)

It’s a hallmark passive-aggressive move that makes me crazy all the more because I understand it too well.

What, you couldn’t tell I’m a passive-aggressivist? I’m kvetching about it on a blog, ’nuff said!

What are You Doing Here? May 31, 2007

Posted by psimitar in abilene, austin, drama.
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psychic defense on It seems that my blogging tendencies are highest at the beginning of every one of my new endeavors and this one is no different. This time there’s even a move and a new job involved.

First of all, the move and a little intro. I’m a 25 year old, openly gay male who came out of the closet in 2002 in Austin, TX. Austin represents many things for me. When I think of Austin I think of freedom. Growing up in Fort Worth, a somewhat sprawling and conservative sister-city to Dallas, TX, I thought if I could just get to Austin for college in 1999 something fantastic would happen for me. Little did I know the fantastic thing I was hoping for was an environment where I could feel comfortable expressing my sexuality.

It took me nearly two years to reach that point, but afterwards my adult life truly began. My relationships began to take on more meaning as my self-honesty rose. I felt more at ease in my own skin for the first time since those early teen years. Some relationships that I had before coming out of the closet suffered with my change in world-view, but I still have no regrets. I look at it this way: This is who I really am and if there’s a problem with that, let’s talk about it but in no way will I go back in the closet to maintain a relationship. All of this is to say that a major portion of my personality was cultivated, tested and tempered in the Austin ecosystem.

Yes, I’ve taken extended leaves, such as my 2001-2002 ten month adventure to Japan. A three-month post graduation career move to Abilene helped land me a professional job back on UT Campus in Austin in August of 2004, at which I stayed at until I exhausted all of my interest in 2006 at exactly the two-year period. Hell, I even fell in love with that German exchange student one line down. One could say I always seem to reset to Austin.

Benjamin

I’m back in Abilene now on another career initiative. I miss Austin terribly but a combination of factors, some self imposed and others not, make conditions there unacceptable for me. I’d like to discuss some of these factors at a later date for therapeutic reasons, but for now it’s comforting enough to admit them as a blanket-statement.

Abilene represents surprised opportunity for me now. A new job opened up at a Nexstar Broadcasting affiliate here for a New Media Account Executive, or a website salesman. It took me a bit to put 2 and 2 together to see the obvious fit. I spent the last year after quiting my UT administrative job studying Media: where it’s been, what it’s doing and ultimately where it’s going. I would describe myself nominally as a creative person with an interest in producing new media.

my 2004 podcastMy 2004 podcast project AustinExhaustion, for example, would be something I would love to work on with a team covering all sorts of topics from local news, celebrity bullshit and TV/Movies. But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention here that AustinExhaustion was…well, exhausting! I look at my new sales position at BigCountryHomePage.com to be an opportunity to expand my skill-set in New Media. I’m going to learn how to sell something that recently had no real value at all.

So to wrap this all up, What am I doing here?

Me! I hope to make this place a little more interesting because I know I can only take so much of myself and anyone reading this will be able to take a whole lot less!

C’ya.