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“Oceans” Drying Up… June 7, 2007

Posted by psimitar in celebs, rant.
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Actually they’re overflowing thanks to America’s greedy energy habits [I’ve got 18 A/C units cooling the front yard for my 2:30 pm electricity-cotillion! You’re all invited, just show up in a hummer or private jet please.]

Oceans 12 was a nightmare of a movie. For the first time in my adult life I verbally groaned from the “acting”, non-compelling plot twists, and the overall masturbatory style the movie played itself out. Here’s the creative meeting I envisioned for moving Oceans 12’s plot to its final stages:

[CREATIVE GENIUS #1]: Julia Robert’s character Tess Ocean remarkably looks like the movie’s version of Julia Roberts, so let’s do an impromptu switch-out to get the characters closer to their mark. How’s that sou–oh, you’ve got something on your face.”

[CREATIVE GENIUS #2]: {WIPING WHITE POWDER AND BLOOD FROM HIS UPPER LIP} Err. Um, I think it sounds believable and the audience will identify with our clever inside joke. More whiskey and cocaine?

[CREATIVE GENIUS #1]: Yes please. I can still feel my left nostril.

Ugh, snore-fest.

Oh, and the press junket for these goddamn Oceans movies…this clip of the comedic masters George Clooney and half-mongoloid Matt Damon makes me nauseous!

Oceans 13 dries-out tomorrow, June 8th!


I’m so tired of her and her snakes. June 6, 2007

Posted by psimitar in celebs, rant.

Ok lesbians at [AfterEllen.com], we get it. You love Angelina Jolie; you even awarded her the #2 position in your version of Maxim’s Hot 100 list. I admit she was hot for a while, but don’t you get bored with her humanitarian carryings-on in Eastern Europe, Africa and Cambodia?

Oh btw, Benneton wants their family planning campaign back. Brad Pitt’s junk hasn’t seen fertile ground since Jolie allowed him a one-shot full access pass to her uteran eden for Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt [what a name!]…

Have you silly-sallys even considered her scary weight-loss habits as a psychological cry for attention? Darfur should read “Dar-for Publicity,” or maybe she’s just suffering from Darfurexia?

After she saves the world, I just want her to calm down, get on her fuel-guzzling private jet [“oh, but the environment!“] and go have a big cajun dinner at her New Orleans estate…you know, the one she’s hardly ever at. At least it makes her seem Katrina-sympathetic; katrinathetic.